


Frisson

by stardustsroses



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, First Time, Fluff, Kanej - Freeform, Smut, captain inej, inej ghafa - Freeform, kaz brekker - Freeform, post-ck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 07:34:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14929941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustsroses/pseuds/stardustsroses
Summary: This was a request on tumblr:Anonymous asked:  OMG CAN YOU DO KANEJ’S FIRST TIME?? I know that might be super hard but I’d love you to do it if you can!





	Frisson

Inej had missed the rooftops.

She had missed the reassuring weight of her knives strapped to her body as she moved, and the comfortable feel of her fabrikator-made leather slippers, the silent brush of her rubber soles against bricks and tiles and cobblestones. She had missed the climbing. She had missed feeling like she could be on top of the world if she wished, if she climbed high enough, and looking out at Ketterdam – the city she had once despised and now called hers by a manner of habit. She missed watching its chaotic streets packed with merchants and artists and heroes and villains, crooked houses stretching for miles and miles. Ketterdam was a city that seemed to have no end. It was a city that danced and sang and yelled and thrived in its imperfections.

But most importantly, she had missed the solitude, the gentle quietness that embraced her whenever she was on top of a crumbling building no one else would dare climb.

Inej and her crew had successfully ransacked a slave ship from Ravka about two weeks ago. Luck had been with them that day, really – despite Specht’s intel, they had set sail based on possibilities and a lot of maybes. It had been a hunch.

But they had gotten lucky.

Indeed, they found the Ravkan ship on its way to Kerch. It had almost felt too easy to close the distance between them that fast, to jump on the ship’s deck and have its captain’s arms and legs tried to the post in a matter of fifteen minutes, along with his fellow men who had been no challenge for Inej or her crew. She had barely gotten a scratch out of it.

They had gotten more than a scratch – that’s for certain. 

Every slave on that ship had been carefully transported to the Wraith to have a hot meal, shelter, food, protection and freedom. Most, if not all of them, were frightened Ravkan children who barely looked older than fifteen or maybe sixteen at most. Inej saw herself in their terrified eyes, looking around at these strange, but kind people who they weren’t exactly sure were worth trusting, wondering if they were to be taken home or to a worse place.

Inej had made sure to blow that slave ship to bits. She had watched it burn as they sailed away. She had stayed on the main deck, elbows on the railing, following the line of fire on the surface of the water. And Inej had stayed there until the screams of the men who tried to kill her and her crew and those helpless children vanished into the cold, winter air, never to be heard again.

She hadn’t rejoiced in their deaths. She had said her prayers quietly, and wished their souls to take shape of something else other than darkness in their next lives.

They took four days to sail to the continent, and took two more days to see to it that each and every one of those children got home safely. Inej and her crew had spent another three days in Ravka, gathering supplies and waiting out the storm that unexpectedly approached them. Inej had found it an opportunity to visit her parents, cherish their company for a few days – then they were back on the seas.

Five days later and Inej was walking down the steps of the Wraith on 5th Harbour with Specht by her side, and breathing in the familiar scent of the city she had come to miss so much while at sea. Even though her heart was full after a job well done, Inej was happy to be out of a loud ship swarming with people and to have her feet back on dry steady land – thank her holy saints for that.

It surprised her how much she had missed this. As she stepped onto the dirty cobblestones, it struck her, like a slap to the face, how much this place felt like home to her now. It was overwhelming. Strange. She had missed her home.

And Inej had missed him.

She had just said goodbye to Specht and her crew, commending them for their courage and support, when she caught sight of a long, dark coat swaying open in the harsh breeze. Her heart seemed to stop dead in her chest. It was an effort not to run to him, but slowly walk in his direction, her eyes searching every inch of him and relief flowing through every vein in her body because there wasn’t a single part of him that seemed hurt.

Letters were difficult to exchange while at sea, even more difficult when you’re busy blowing up ships and cutting men’s throats while attempting to save twenty children scared out of their minds, and when the person you want to hear from is tremendously busy running a gang of thieves.

And to make matters worse – they both had enemies coming in from all sides. So, it was only natural that Inej felt a tug on her heartstrings every now and then when she was lonely in bed at night, watching a swaying ceiling, with no Kaz Brekker to hold on to.

But enemies seemed to be completely forgotten as she approached him.

Kaz Brekker leaned on his cane as his own eyes searched her body – analysing, calculating – until they fell on her face. And then he was smiling – openly, brightly, shamelessly beautiful – with relief, happiness, love…Inej couldn’t tell which one.

“Word is that you blew an entire ship up in the middle of the sea,” were his greeting words.

“Word is true,” she answered, nodding, stopping right in front of him, inches from his body.

Kaz’s eyes glimmered with something wicked and-

With pride.

But then he narrowed his eyes and pointed with his chin at the bandage on her arm. He said, “The person who did that – did they pay?”

“With their life,” said Inej.

They smiled at each other. And Inej was about to speak, to ask him how he was, to tell him – tell him she had missed him, that she was glad he was alright, that she was so happy to be back here but – but then one of his hands was wrapped around her waist and pushing her against his chest. She blinked, searching his face, surprise painting her every feature.

And Kaz’s grin widened.

Well, she thought, there goes the ‘keeping up appearances’ strategy out the window.

And he leaned down, touched his lips to her cheek in a feathery-like kiss, and he whispered against her skin with a voice that turned her knees into jelly, “Welcome home.”

Inej fluttered her eyes closed, leaning into his touch. His touch. His scent.

Everybody else be dammed. Let them see it. Let them see it all.

Her mind seemed to split open when she felt his palm on her cheek, his thumb on her bottom lip. Inej shivered.

No gloves in sight.

Inej opened her eyes, parted her lips. She had to ask, “No gloves?”

The look that crossed Kaz’s eyes was so intense, so filled with passion and love and thrill to have her back with him, that Inej found it difficult to keep her composure. He looked at her once, smiled, leaned down, so, so close to her lips and he murmured, “I have been deprived of your touch for two whole weeks, Wraith. The last thing I want is to feel your skin through leather.”

For the first time in her life, Inej thought she would lose her balance.

Kaz pulled away, thumb tracing gentle circles on the soft skin of her cheek, and Inej was left wanting nothing more than to lean in and kiss that smirk away. Slowly, Kaz took hold of her hand, took a breath, and entwined their fingers. And she searched and searched in those coffee coloured eyes for something, anything, remotely close to suffering.

Nothing.

He held her hand as they walked out of the Harbour, indifferent to passersby – familiar or not. But Kaz said nothing for a long time, and Inej made herself wait, patiently, for what he was about to tell her. Because there was that edge to his silence that let her know there were things on his mind. Gently, she stroked the arm that held her, smiling up at him, yet keeping her guard up as they walked through the busy streets, listening and looking around.

The sun was almost setting, but there were still merchants out in the streets, performers dancing and singing and fake fortune tellers hoping to gather their attention. Inej ignored them all. There was an unexpected tightness to Kaz’s grip, a little crease between his eyebrows, yet his eyes were calm, unworried, even assuring as they turned to look down at her.

What a sight they must be.

And then Inej felt him hesitate before he said, “I have something for you to see.”

Inej raised her eyebrows, curiously looking up at the strange, unfamiliar smile she saw painted across Kaz’s features. “Something for me to see?”

“Yes.”

“Where?”

“Just outside East Stave,” said Kaz, averting his eyes. “Not far.”

Inej didn’t know why her heart was hammering in her chest.

She didn’t know why there was an excited flip in her stomach.

But she said nothing as she let Kaz lead her through streets already familiar to her. She didn’t question the slight smile adorning his handsome features, as if he was holding on to a really juicy secret but couldn’t wait much longer to tell her about it, or the rather contradictory, slight hesitant grip of her hand, like he was almost…somewhat nervous.

They were walking through lively streets that, from a foreigner’s point of view, were practically the same as the Barrel, but for someone who had known Ketterdam the way she had, having all its little dirty secrets in her hands, Inej knew that this neighbourhood was a lot different from the pleasure district. It was cleaner, for one. But it was also strangely comforting here – Inej didn’t feel the need to look over her shoulder, didn’t feel the need to reach for her knives every time someone passed too close by. And she didn’t know why.

It was still Ketterdam, after all.

“Kaz?” She questioned.

But Kaz only gave her one sly of a smile and simply gestured with his head for her to follow him and tugged lightly at her hand.

This part of East Stave was absurdly tranquil. On both her sides there were townhouses that were an exact copy of the Slat, some in ruins, some in better shape.

And it was in one of those better shaped townhouses that they stopped in front of. It wasn’t as crooked as the Slat, neither as tall, and it was much more charming – with a big red door and clean steps leading up to it, large windows that let in all the sunlight and a sharp, tipped roof in fairly good condition.

Inej didn’t miss the way Kaz looked around his shoulder once, twice, before stopping her. She didn’t miss his eyes searching the area before he turned to that house in particular – as if he was making sure it was safe for them to stop.

“You…bought a house?” She asked.

Inej couldn’t image Kaz out of the Slat. Couldn’t imagine him being anywhere far from the Crow Club, out of the Barrel.

Kaz said nothing. Instead, he took out a house key from a pocket inside his jacket and handed it to her.

Inej felt her heart skip a beat.

“I thought maybe we could call it ours,” he said. Then he turned his head to her, a crooked smile with hints of nervousness spreading over his face, lighting up his eyes. “You don’t have to say yes right now. Or ever. Your clothes are still at Wylan’s and some of your belongings are still in my room at the Slat. But if you want-”

“I do.”

Kaz blinked.

Inej took the key from him, held it to her chest. “You want me to move in with you, Kaz Brekker?”

Kaz licked his lips, cleared his throat, looked at his shoes. “Yes.”

Inej smiled, turned to him, got on her tiptoes. “Of course I want to.”

His eyes closed on their own as he felt her lips touch his – no more than a simple, gentle peck, but it was enough to make him lean on his cane for support.

“Why were you so nervous?” She asked, one eyebrow raised.

“I wasn’t.”

“I practically lived in the Slat with you for almost two months.”

Kaz shrugged slightly. “You didn’t exactly live with me. Just spent the nights.”

Was that…slight jealousy she detected?

Inej looked over at the house, breathed in deep. Then she turned to Kaz and she said, “Aren’t you going to show me around?”

Kaz looked once more over his shoulder, and then his hand was in her lower back, leading her up to the house. And that’s where she noticed it – the tinted windows, the strange, complicated lock. Precautions. Kaz clearly intended this to be a safe place – for both of them.

And then he led them inside.

The inside of the small townhouse had nothing to do with its exterior. It was furnished beautifully. The walls painted fresh white, a faint, almost unnoticeable smell of the paint still lingered in the hall that led to a room Inej presumed to be the kitchen, and the floors a dark, shining wood that reflected her face.

“It was close enough to the Crow Club so that I could keep tabs on it, but far enough for us to have a little bit of…privacy,” he explained, hands in his pockets. He shrugged as if none of it was a big deal.

It was a big deal.

“Did you pick the furniture?”

“I did,” said Kaz.

“All of it?” Asked Inej.

“All of it,” he confirmed. And then Inej turned to look at him and – and she swore she saw a red tint to his cheeks.

And for a long second, she stood there watching him, marvelled and stunned. Because Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel and the most dangerous man in Ketterdam clearly had an eye for furniture – and he was proud of it.

Inej beamed. “I think it’s absolutely wonderful.”

“Do you like it?”

It was everything she had hoped for in a future house. It was everything she wanted. And to share it with him…

“I adore it,” she declared.

Kaz pursed his lips to refrain his smile from widening into a stupid, giddy grin. Part of him felt like the child he had been many, many years ago, when his father was still alive, when he still got excited about the littlest things in his life. He felt like he did before the world had broken him – and it was because of that face, of that smile she gave him as she looked around the place he had built for them. For her.

He led them upstairs where there was no hallway. The stairs led directly to a single bedroom with a door at the end – a built-in bathroom.

The bedroom was just like the rest of the house – fairly simple, but classically beautiful. There was a desk set on the left side of the room, right under the window that overlooked the canal, with a few messy papers already on it. A tall armoire stood right next to it, and then there were shelves lined up, filled to the brim with books – books she remembered seeing in Kaz’s office back in the Slat. Then, at the very centre of the room, pushed up against the opposite wall, there was the bed.

It was fit for a queen and her king. 

And the thick, plushy mattress looked heavenly. Inej imagined herself drifting off to sleep, slowly sinking into the white sheets, surrounded by those big pillows-

She was completely and utterly exhausted.

Inej felt Kaz’s chest pressing gently against her back, his arms slowly wrapping themselves around her frame, his cane resting on the bed. And because she had missed him, because she felt both exhausted and, at the same time, thrilled to have him this close to her after days and days, Inej dared to lean back into him, closing her eyes and be comforted by his hot breath on her neck, his cheek against hers, his hands making smooth, soothing circles on her stomach.

“I missed you every single day,” he confessed into her ear. “Every single night.”

He was so warm. She could’ve fallen asleep right then and there – standing and all.

But Inej made herself turn to him, made herself look into those eyes she loved, the eyes that had haunted her sleep on the ship, and she smiled. “It’s good to be back, Kaz,” she said, one hand moving to stroke his cheek. Kaz closed his eyes, breathed in deeply, and leaned into her touch.

Every touch was a victory now. Every time neither of them pulled away was another battle won.

“I missed you,” continued Inej. “I missed you too. Very much. I found it hard to sleep most nights.”

They shared an intimate smile – memories and faded images of their bodies entwined – sometimes fully clothed, sometimes not wearing much at all – as they slept flipped through their eyes like a photo album; a recalling of occasional kisses that sometimes were slow, lazy and gentle, and other times were…anything but.

Inej found her cheeks starting to burn.

And because he was Kaz and nothing ever seemed to escape his attention, his eyes instantly followed the rise of that blush – and he traced it, ever so gently, with his thumb. Then with his lips.

“You found it hard to sleep without me?” He asked softly, so very close to her skin, and with a slow, sly grin spreading across his lips. Lips that he used to tease her, the way he always liked to do, the bastard.

He started at her cheek, moving down, down to her jaw – gentle pecks, nothing more, just a light press of his lips to her skin – and they continued down to the place just beneath her ear. Kaz’s teeth grazed that spot, tilting Inej’s neck back just slightly, just so he could have a better access to her skin. Her eyes fluttered closed on their own, her lips parting without her intention.

Kaz, she realized, would keep surprising her.

Not just with declarations of love – big or small. Not just with confessing that he wanted her to live with him, with buying a house, with furnishing it whole in time to surprise her, but…but with the way he touched her. The way he showed her how much he cared, how much he loved her, how much he wanted her.

Months and months ago, she would’ve deemed it impossible to have him this close to her. To be this intimate with him. Some time ago, Inej had found it terrifying having someone’s lips on her neck; she would’ve found it impossible to not think of the memories she had worked so hard to forget.

She thought it would be impossible to want him like this.

But then Kaz would go a step further and he would gently touch her waist as he passed her – just a gentle, innocent touch – and something inside her chest ignited every single time. At times he would just unconsciously tug at her hand, hold it, entwine their fingers together, when one of them was talking – and then her heart would crack open at the tenderness in his delicate touch.

And then other times Kaz would look at her a certain way – eyes drifting down to her lips distractedly, fingers twitching lightly whenever she got close, like he was just itching to have her, licking his lips after they kissed, as if he couldn’t get enough of her taste and he wanted to keep it forever engraved in his mind. In those times, Inej thought she’d lose her mind. When Kaz’s gaze turned to her and she saw flames dancingin his eyes, when his hands twisted the fabrics covering her body like he was restraining himself from revealing her to him, when he kissed her like he wanted her and loved her like nothing else in the entire world…Inej was certain he would be the death of her.

Every single time it became easier – until there was not one cell in her body that wished to pull away. Until every part of her screamed that she wanted him she wanted him she wanted him

And Kaz – it was incredible the progress they had made together. It was incredible not to see the strain in his forehead, his neck, every time they touched. It was incredible to see that she had somehow become his exception too – Kaz had learned to think of her as his safe haven, just like she had done with him, and now her touch pulled him out of his worst nightmares instead of dragging him to them.

His lips were clouding up her mind. Inej thought she’d heard him speak, but she couldn’t tell, honestly, she couldn’t tell anything anymore. There might’ve been a hurricane outside – she wouldn’t have given a single care in the world.

Her fingers were gripping his rolled-up sleeves. He’d shrugged off his coat. Or maybe she had done that – Inej couldn’t remember, because his mouth had moved to her throat, and her face was turned to the ceiling, and his hand – his hand was descending on her back, pushing her body to him almost possessively.

“I seem to have picked up a bad habit,” she said in a breathless whisper, barely hearing her own voice.

“Bad?” Kaz mused, pulling his lips away from her throat and looking into her eyes. Inej dared to open hers. Good saints. He looked starved. “I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bad habit.” Kaz traced one gloveless finger down her cheek, continuing, “In fact…” and touched her lips, dragging his finger down to her bottom lip, parting her mouth slightly, “I think it’s a rather good habit to have. Don’t you think?”

Inej responded by getting on her tiptoes and then wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer to her. She didn’t hesitate in claiming his mouth.

There were stars exploding behind her eyelids.

Her knees were mountains and they were threatening to crumble as she felt Kaz’s tongue opening her mouth to him, his arms wrapping around her so tight, his hands gentle, and yet somehow urgent at the same time, like they were in a rush to make up for those two weeks they had been separated.

Inej felt her feet leave the floor. She debated pulling away to tell him, to warn him, about his leg – but Kaz showed no pain or discomfort. Instead, Inej felt him smile against her mouth, could feel triumph and happiness and love in the kisses that he pestered all over her face, in the grin that only she was familiar with.

So different. Kaz looked so different when he was happy.

He looked at her, still up in his arms, and found her staring right back, her hands gently moving to his cheeks as she placed one lingering kiss on his lips that left him wanting more.

Inej stroked his skin as she murmured, almost to herself, “This suits you.”

“What?” Asked Kaz.

“This,” said Inej, tracing his never-ending smile. “Happiness.”

Kaz’s features visibly softened as he placed her down onto the floor as gently as he could. His hand stroked her arm slow, up and down, up and down, up down. And then he took in the dark circles under her eyes, the tiredness of her body.

He touched his lips to her forehead. “I’m going to the Crow Club to get some more papers and take care of some business with the Dregs,” he said, stroking her cheek. “Do you want to come?”

Because even though he could see how exhausted she was – there was always a choice for her. Move in, don’t. Come, don’t come. Stay, don’t stay. It was – it would always be – up to her.

Inej shook her head. “That’s okay,” she said, trying not to succumb to a yawn but-too late. She rubbed her head and said, “I think I’m going to take a shower instead.”

Kaz nodded. “I won’t take long, I promise. There’s food downstairs.”

“Okay,” she said, running her own hands absentmindedly over his broad shoulders. She wanted to lean into his chest and close her eyes forever. “Oh,” she said suddenly as a thought struck her. “But I need to grab my clothes at-”

“You can have mine for today, if you’d like,” said Kaz softly. He pointed with his head at the armoire. “We can grab yours tomorrow.”

We.

Inej smiled, nodding.

She kissed him one last time, and let herself marvel at his devious fingertips making lazy drawings on her sides as her lips touched his.

“I love you,” he murmured, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

Inej closed her eyes. Finally finally finally.

“I love you,” she said back. 

Then Inej watched him grab his coat and disappear down the staircase – but not before turning around and smiling at her. It was a smile that danced between pure wickedness and gentle adoration. It was a smile that followed her all the way to the bathroom. And it was a smile that said I’ll see you soon.

Inej didn’t remember stepping out of the shower or grabbing one of Kaz’s black shirts and sleeping trousers. She didn’t even remember sitting on the bed and almost having her eyes roll back in her head at the feel of that mattress – she would be sleeping on top of clouds that night. And she definitely couldn’t remember falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.

***

Inej was still sleeping.

It had been a sight to behold – Inej in his clothes that were way too big for her, ridiculously so, splayed across the bed with her arms tucked into the pillows, her hair half wet clinging to her face as she snored slightly.

Kaz had stood there for ages before he reminded himself to stop being a creep.

Then he had made his way to their armoire and took out a wool blanket, which he used to cover her, making sure to pull some strands of hair out of her face – and mouth – and carefully tucked her in. Inej had mumbled something under her breath as he did, a string of nonsensical sounds that had made him smile to himself.

Three hours later, and she was still sleeping. Kaz was happy to have her rest. She needed it. She certainly deserved it. So he let her be.

Those two weeks had been hard for him – harder than he could’ve ever imagined. Not knowing if she was safe…it had driven him half-mad. He believed Inej could fight anything that came her way and come out victorious but…no matter her skill, no matter her cleverness – she wasn’t bulletproof.

But the pride that had shone through him at seeing her leave her ship at the harbour…Kaz could’ve devoured her lips right then and there for the world to see. And he wouldn’t’ve cared who did see.

In fact, he didn’t care. There was a part of him that wouldn’t have minded to scream at the world how much he loved her. But he still wasn’t sure if showing their relationship off would put Inej at even more danger. He hated to admit it to himself – but he didn’t know who’d be willing to hurt her to get to him; he didn’t know what lengths his enemies would go to just to drag him back to hell.

And he couldn’t risk it. At least not yet.

He was sat down at his desk looking at numbers when Kaz heard Inej rustling in the sheets, her arms stretching. His back was to her, but it was as if he could see her looking around the place, maybe slightly confused, then coming to her senses and placing her head back down onto the pillow.

Kaz felt her eyes on him.

He heard her near-silent steps leading her to him. And then her arms were around his neck and her hair was falling onto their faces like a dark curtain. Inej placed a gentle kiss at his forehead, hands at his chest, fumbling distractedly with the buttons of his white shirt.

“What time is it?” She asked.

Kaz touched her hands, gently running his fingers through hers. “Almost nine, I think.”

Inej pulled her hair back, looked at the numbers in front of him, then looked at the little box on the desk.

“Waffles,” he explained. “I didn’t know if you’d eaten, so I thought I’d-”

“Good saints, I’m starving,” she said, eyeing the box. “Thank you.”

He smiled up at her, leaning his head back so he could place a quick, gentle peck under her chin. Inej was smiling and then – then she was sitting sideways on his lap, the box opened in her lap.

Her hair was knots and tangles, falling over her shoulders, so long it touched her waist. Her eyes were brighter, bigger, wider.

“Eat with me?”

Kaz looked down at the already forgotten numbers and then raised his eyes to her face, alight with joy, and he nodded. She was already nibbling on a sugar-coated waffle.

“How were things these last two weeks?” Asked Inej, her side leaning against her chest, her legs softly swaying side to side.

“Quiet,” muttered Kaz, taking a bite out of a waffle. “Calm. Terrible without you.”

They smiled at each other. Kaz was having a hard time clearing his thoughts, calming his mind because Inej was here and he had missed her and- saints the way she was sitting on him-

“Tell me,” he softly said. “Tell me everything.”

She did.

Inej told him about her trip from beginning to end, from start to finish, not sparing any details about her fight with one of the captain’s men who had managed to drag his blade just beneath her elbow. She had seen it – the way Kaz’s eyes had darkened in untamed fury, looking between her face and the thin scar that now marked her arm. But then she had also noticed the way his eyes shone with pride as she finished telling her story, then the gentle tenderness when she told him she’d been with her parents.

“They asked me to bring you with me next time,” she said, a smile coating her lips. “They want to see you again.”

Kaz hadn’t been good at hiding his surprise from her. It was written all across his eyes.

“Would you like to?” Inej asked, carefully adjusting her position so her weight wouldn’t be on top of his bad knee.

Kaz leaned in, touching the tip of his nose to hers, and so slowly, so softly, he said, “I’ll follow you to the end of the world, Wraith, if you ask me to.” Then he smiled, gently touched his lips to hers, tasting crumbs of sugar. “I would love to.”

Inej smiled at him like there was no other face she’d rather be looking at. After a while, she said, “Did you also find sleep hard to catch?

Kaz moved his hand to her leg, his thumb tracing idle circles just over her knee. “You have no idea, Inej,” he said, half-closed eyes following the movement of her tongue wiping her bottom lip.

Inej looked down, putting another waffle in her mouth to hide her stupid grin and her pink cheeks. Damn him. Damn his eyes and that arrogant grin of his and that mouth just staring at her and begging to be kissed.

“You could’ve counted sheep,” she mused, wiping sugar crumbs off her mouth. “Some say that helps.”

She moved her thumb to her mouth so as to lick the remaining sugar off – but then Kaz had her wrist in his hand, and his eyes were darker than the sky outside, stopping her heart and her mind in the same second, and he was moving her thumb to his mouth slowly, keeping every movement intent, focused, and then his lips enveloped her finger.

There was an earthquake inside her and Inej shattered into a million pieces.

Kaz was looking at her through dark lashes, unblinking, pretty lips wrapped around the tip of her thumb for a second too long, then he pulled away just to leave a tender kiss on her palm. He kept holding on to her hand, sliding his fingers through hers, even as he said, “Nothing would’ve helped me find sleep, Inej.” She had never heard that voice come out of him before. Inej had already fallen all over the floor. “Because all I saw, felt and smelled was you – all over my sheets. And I couldn’t, for the life of me, keep you out of my mind. I couldn’t-”

He stopped himself, pursing his lips. Kaz dropped her hand, sighing.

“Tell me,” asked Inej quietly, touching his bare arm.

There was a pause in which Kaz looked between ashamed and slightly frustrated – and if Inej hadn’t been blushing to her hairline, she would’ve laughed at the way he had unconsciously curved his mouth into a sort of pout.

Kaz Brekker pouting.

But then he was clenching and unclenching his hand as he whispered, his voice a rasping sound that echoed through her bones, “I couldn’t stop feeling your mouth on my skin and your hands on my body. I wouldn’t dream of anything else but of you, bare and wrapped around my sheets, wrapped around my body, whispering my name into my neck, and-”

There was a shiver cracking her spine, moving to the back of her neck. Inej couldn’t stop staring at him. Couldn’t force herself to look away from his lips as he spoke the words, as he confessed to her his thoughts.

“I kept dreaming about tasting you,” Kaz continued, his voice lower, dripping with want. It was like he was a mountain covered with snow and she had shouted too loud, so now his words were spilling like an avalanche. He closed his eyes, sighing. “Every damn night you were there. Smiling and laughing and clenching your thighs on my hips and digging the heels of your feet into my back and dragging your nails over my arms.”

Inej’s breathing hitched. There was a rope tied around her throat, and she couldn’t speak-

“I heard you,” he said, opening his eyes to look at her. And Inej saw that need he was explaining in his eyes – saw that craving of someone who had been deprived of a comforting touch for too long, who had wanted her for too long. She had wanted him for too long. “I heard you asking me to never stop, you never wanted me to stop, and saints, Inej, I didn’t want to stop either. I wanted every last bit of you. I wanted – I want every piece of you, from your mind, your words, your smiles, to your body. And it tore me apart when you weren’t there.”

He took a breath.

Inej’s eyes dragged over the muscle in his jaw, so tense. And she thought that maybe she wasn’t entirely a person anymore – maybe she did turn into molten lava, dripping in his arms.

Kaz – who wanted the girl in front of him so, so much. The girl he didn’t feel he deserved. The girl who had given him the world and asked only to know his mind – to know his fears, to know his desires, to know him. Kaz – who wanted the strength to have her if she’d allow it; who was terrified and yet-

And yet there was no part of him that recoiled at those thoughts – at being so close, skin to skin, heart to heart. But…what if he couldn’t go through it? What if he ended up drowning once more?

“Kaz,” whispered Inej. She had a hand on his cheek and she was lifting his face, his eyes, to her. Her mouth parted, her eyes tender, and dark – oh so dark. “I’m here now.”

I’m here now.

The air changed between them.

Kaz took those words and fumbled with them in his mind, trying to figure out what she really meant by them.

Her fingers trailed to the side of his head where the hair was slightly shorter. And she murmured, “You’re scared.”

Silence.

“Of me?” Inej smiled, nails softly grazing his scalp in the way that had his body relax on its own under her.

Kaz hesitated, sighed once more, then turned his head to the side, his lips making contact with the skin on the inside of her wrist. It was such a tender gesture – it broke her. And then he whispered against her skin, not looking at her, “I’m scared of doing something wrong, unwillingly hurting you-” He swallowed. “I don’t want to be holding you in my arms and feel like I can’t-”

Inej touched her forehead to his, gently nudging his nose with hers, like they always did before kissing – and she made sure to put as much love into that kiss as she could. She made sure he could feel it all – the love, the lust. She made sure it drove away some of that lingering doubt. She made to pull away, but then Kaz’s hands were in her cheeks holding her for one more kiss, and then another. Inej smiled, eyes closed, and murmured against his lips, “I’m scared too,” she admitted. “But we’ve tried once, already. We can try again. And again. However long it takes us.”

Kaz felt his breath catch in his throat at her words, his mind going back to a night before Inej had left for the seas. Indeed, they had tried. Until both of them had looked at each other and silently decided that they weren’t ready. And that was that – they had fallen asleep, completely bare in each other’s arms, and the next day Inej was setting sail.

But now…

After being away from each other that long, after so many nights spent in each other’s arms with provoking touches and kisses – it was a torment for them both.

Maybe they could try again.

“I want you too,” she murmured. Kaz looked up at her, traced her lips with his eyes as she spoke, “I want you just as much, Kaz.” Inej took his chin between her fingers, smiling softly, so softly. “You will not hurt me. There is no rush. We’ll take it one step at a time – and see where that takes us.”

Kaz dragged his hands up her sides, where he knew she was ticklish, and found his heart lighter as he felt her breath against his cheek as she laughed under her breath. He traced her spine with his fingertips.

Inej closed her eyes, touched her lips to his cheek, and her hands went to grasp his. Slowly, she led them under his – her – shirt, guiding them to her bare waist. Kaz’s caressed her skin, thumbs softly running up and down her sides. She was so soft. So warm.

He saw her lips part at the simple touch – so he dared to move his hands further down, fumbling briefly with the waistband of the trousers, to her hipbones. Meanwhile, her lips trailed loving kisses across his cheeks, stopping right on his cupid’s bow. Then Inej had her arms wrapped around his neck and Kaz leaned up to take her lips.

It was flames and hurricanes. It was a whole tsunami of emotions crashing through them both. It was a million thousand butterflies living inside her stomach, clashing together.

At the first feel of his tongue, Inej gripped the hair on the back of his head.

And then his hands were squeezing, gripping her hips, and his own were rising up from the chair. His hands turned her body to face his, carefully sitting her on his desk, scattered papers falling to the floor. Kaz stepped between her legs, hands behind her knees, and he wasted no time in kissing her again, and again, and again.

It was a kiss that obliterated everything around them.

Desire coursed through him in quick waves as Inej’s hands trailed to his shoulders, squeezing, gripping. His own hands were dragging up her legs, moving to explore her strong thighs. And all the while, Kaz could hear his own heartbeat mixing with hers, and he could feel nothing but her lips on his and her body clinging to his and her heart beating furiously in time with his.

He could think of nothing but her hands on his chest, carelessly ripping off every button on his shirt, and pushing it over his shoulders, letting it fall on the floor. Then she was staring at his chest, swallowing, licking her bottom lip, letting her teeth drag over it. 

Something seemed to snap inside him.

Kaz pulled her to him, raised her off the desk. Heard her take in a sharp breath as she held on to his shoulders, a giggle escaping her lips as Kaz lifted her. His smile matched hers, and didn’t leave his mouth even when she leaned down to kiss him, once, twice, a third time.

And then he was laying her down onto the bed.

He pulled back to look at her.

Saints damn me.

He had no idea what to do. He had no idea where he wanted to start. Where he wanted to kiss and touch her first.

Seeing his slight apprehension, Inej gently touched his neck, pulling him to her. “Come here,” she said. Kaz kicked off his shoes and climbed on top of her, letting his eyes wonder over her face. “Good?”

“Good,” he whispered.

Inej smiled, touched one hand to his chest, right over his heart. Whispered, “I want you to see me.” A pause, then Inej ran her hand down his chest as she continued, “I want you to strip me bare.”

His whole body shook with every word. And it wasn’t because of the cold, or because of her touching him.

Tentatively, Kaz reached a hand down to the hem of her shirt, fingertips grazing the skin at the waistband of the trousers. Inej watched him, a small smile playing on her lips. Then Kaz dragged his fingers up, up, up, taking the shirt with them, moving in between her breasts, exposing her skin to the cold air. Inej raised her arms above her head, and Kaz pulled her shirt completely off her body. Threw it on the floor.

He wanted nothing more than to kiss every inch of her – so he did. Slowly, he touched his lips to her neck, attentive to her breathing, her body reactions. As Kaz moved his lips down, down, and then further down, to explore the place just beneath her breasts, he felt Inej tremble under him. So he made himself look up, made his hands pull away, and he asked, “Good?”

And Inej parted her lips, swallowed, and nodded.

“Inej.”

“It’s okay,” she whispered.

Kaz touched her cheek, kissed her lips once, very gently. He looked into her eyes, and said, “Show me what you want me to do.”

Inej felt her stomach flip at the raspy tone. She looked down at the length of his body, tracing every muscle, every scar, and then her hands touched his trousers. She slipped her thumbs through both his trousers and his underwear. Tugged at them.

And Kaz reached for them – for both – and pushed them down all at once.

Inej pointed at her own with her chin, encouraging him, and Kaz gently slid her last piece of clothing down her legs, eyes trailing along every inch of her face, her body.

Inej was lean, shaped like an acrobat, delicate yet strong. In his arms she looked and felt so small. She looked up at him, and pulled him down for a kiss. 

But Inej was shaking.

“Inej-”

But when Kaz pulled away, she was smiling, her cheeks rosy. “It’s cold.”

Kaz designed a smile, and with a touch just as gentle, he eased them under the covers. Inej reached for him, and Kaz pushed her body flush against his.

He was dead – he had to be. He was dead and he was knocking on the gates of heaven begging for someone to let him in.

Then there was the question – what now?

They had never gotten this far.

Inej’s lips touched his chest, over his heart, and Kaz’s hand was on her waist, feeling her warmth, his lips pressed against the top of her head and his eyes closed – alive alive alive.

It was warm and it was safe and she was his haven.

Her hand was drifting down his chest, fingertips caressing his skin all the way, and her lips were attached to his neck, tongue tasting his skin-

And then Inej dipped her hand down, gently gripping him, gently stroking him, and she murmured his name onto his skin. Kaz’s fingers were digging into her hipbone, clutching and crumpling the sheets next to her head, his breath caught up in his throat and a sound close to a growl escaping from his lips.

Before he had a chance to think it through, Kaz moved on top of her, hands spreading her legs to him, and at the feel of having him pressed up against her, Inej let out the most delicious sound he had ever heard.

He wanted to keep hearing it.

His teeth grazed her throat, and her hands were gripping his shoulders, nails digging into his skin and he thought – he thought maybe this was one of his dreams. Because it couldn’t feel this good to touch her. It couldn’t be real. But then-

Then Kaz heard her gulp. He heard her intake a sharp breath. Felt her body becoming rigid under him. He felt her pulling away from him even though her body didn’t move an inch, neither did her hands leave his shoulders.

“Inej,” he murmured, pulling away from her throat to look at her face. Her eyes were closed, her eyebrows furrowed. “Inej, treasure. My love, look at me.”

Slowly, she opened her eyes. Inej breathed in, very slow, and looked away. Kaz couldn’t read her eyes.

“We can sleep,” he said. “We can just sleep like this.”

“Do you want to sleep?”

Kaz hesitated. “I want whatever you want. Say the word.”

“I don’t want to sleep,” she shook her head. “The last thing I want is to sleep.”

Kaz swallowed.

Inej closed her eyes once more, just momentarily, and breathed in once, twice. And Kaz simply stroked her cheek gently, searching her face, his heart hurting for her. “Tell me what to do, love.”

“I just need to look at you,” she said quietly, opening her eyes to him. Inej pulled him close to her, breathing in his scent, reminding herself, over and over, that this was Kaz. Kaz who would never hurt her, Kaz whose touch was nothing but tender and patient and loving. Kaz who understood how it felt to crumble despite having the thing you want most in front of you. “I just need to see you.”

Kaz nodded, eyes fixed on hers. “Good?”

“Good.”

And when Kaz pulled her for another kiss, when his hands dragged, so delicately, over her ribs, in the way that made her squirm underneath him, Inej couldn’t help but smile. But then Kaz was tasting her mouth, his fingers moving to her thighs, and all of her thoughts dissolved into nothing. She gasped for air when he pulled away, and when he rasped out, “Tell me what you want,” Inej found it hard to push back a moan.

“I want you,” she whispered, her words broken, desperate and hurried, pulling him down to her by his neck. She needed-

“No,” he said against her mouth. “I want you to tell me.”

Inej bucked her hips, her body burning, her throat somehow closing in on the words. She felt desperate for some kind of friction, some-

But Kaz was grinning down at her. “Tell me what you want, Wraith,” he repeated.

Inej worked her jaw. Her mind was smoke. “Your mouth.”

And he didn’t need to ask where.

Kaz made sure to touch every inch of her skin with his lips – her shoulders, her neck, her breasts, every part of her stomach down to her bellybutton – and all the while his dark eyes were raised to hers, testing her, observing her, looking for any signs that would make him stop.

But her hands were in his hair, urging him down to where she wanted him.

Kaz found he particularly adored the inside of her thighs. He loved kissing and gently kneading and biting the tender skin there, feeling the warmth against his cheek as he kissed parts of her much more tender. Kaz took it as his mission to listen to every breath she took, every little sound she made, and he adjusted his strokes – of both his mouth, tongue and fingers – accordingly, until he found a steady rhythm that had her fingers twisting in his hair.

He would’ve kept tasting her for the rest of eternity.

But then Inej’s hips became restless, her breathing became haggard, and her hands were pulling him up, up and up her body, and she was whispering please please please, over and over, against him. Kaz’s fingers were woven into her hair, every part of his body aching, every part of him wanting to take everything she gave him, everything she asked him to take.

When he rocked into her, Kaz thought he’d shatter in her arms. His forehead was against hers, his chest gleaming with sweat against her own, and he thought saints yes – he thought there weren’t enough words, in any language, to describe what he as feeling.

There was a part of him – that part of his mind that still remained gripping the rope tied to this earth, that briefly wondered how. How come there wasn’t a single part of his body recoiling at her touch. How come he was able to bury himself into her and still feel like he was on the surface of the water. How come he was able to feel, and make her feel, this good.

Because she makes you feel alive.

Because she is your exception.

Because she wants you and you want her. 

Inej’s shaky legs wrapped themselves around his waist, thighs clenching, and Kaz’s hands gripped her waist, then the bed frame, looking for anything, anything to keep him grounded, to keep him there. But the sound Inej made at his ear made him crumble and tremble and shake, and he was a never ending avalanche.

He felt her clench and unclench around him, felt the hair on her forehead clinging to his face, her hot breath on his lips, her hand gripping his neck like she needed to keep herself grounded too. He unravelled her altogether.

Kaz couldn’t move-couldn’t. He couldn’t see straight, couldn’t begin to say if the ripped white sheet next to her head was his or her doing. Could barely remember who he was as he touched his lips to hers, completely exhausted, completely on top of the world.

But he forced himself to pay attention, even as he lay next to her, even as he pulled her to his chest. He forced himself to search her face, taking in the bruised, parted lips and the tinted cheeks and the bright eyes. Inej looked at him once, and then she was hiding a smile on the crook of his neck, her hands at his chest.

“Wraith,” he giggled – giggled – onto her head. “Are you hiding from me?”

Inej shook her head against his skin, holding on to him. He could feel the heat from her cheeks against him, could feel the smile she was trying to contain. Kaz placed a hand on the small of her back, soothing her body.

His own body was still trembling. He was still coming down from the sky.

“Why are you hiding from me, treasure?” He poked at her side. “Was I that bad?”

“You were perfect,” she mumbled, a breathy laugh escaping her.

“You won’t look at me,” he said. “You’re embarrassed now, are you?”

Inej pulled away, and indeed, Kaz marvelled at the shyness of that smile, at the flush covering her cheeks. She traced idle circles on his chest with her fingertips as she said, “I just didn’t know…I didn’t know it could be – feel, like that.”

Kaz had to agree.

Because he had to acknowledge what this meant for both of them. No more barriers. No more fears.

“I can’t put words to it, Wraith,” he murmured into her lips, in between little pecks.

“You look happy,” she smiled.

“I am happy,” he said. “I would’ve been content with just sleeping next to you for the rest of my life, but-” Then he let out a breath, and he shook his head. “But, heavens, Inej.”

She let out a giggle that echoed through the room, and let Kaz push her even closer to his chest, so, so close to his body. That would be her home for the night – for the many nights to come.

Kaz’s eyes were fluttering closed as she gently stroked his hair, pulling the strands away from his face. But Kaz wanted to look at her. He never wanted to take his eyes off her-

“Sleep, love,” she murmured, smiling, before leaning down and touching her lips to his cheek.

“I love you, Wraith,” he said, nuzzling his face onto her neck. “And I love the little noises you make when you’re about to-”

“Oh, shush,” she blushed.

“You taste heavenly, by the way.”

“Kaz,” Inej groaned covering his mouth with her hand.

Kaz laughed devilishly before taking her wrist and kissing each on of her knuckles.

They grinned at each other, so helplessly, so hopelessly in love.

And when Kaz fell asleep, Inej watched the serene gentleness of his features. Found her heart breaking and being put back together in the same heartbeat as his hands unconsciously pushed her closer to his body, cuddling her to him, instead of pulling away. So Inej lay her head on his arm, and she too fell asleep, feeling happy and most of all, feeling like there wasn’t a safer, better place in all of the world, than the arms of her love.


End file.
